Business Dress is a conspiracy

Have you ever wondered what the deal was with how you have to dress for business? Seems pretty ridiculous to me. I'm perfectly comfortable in blue jeans, a t-shirt, and tennis shoes. I think most of you are too. I do my best work when I'm comfortable. Therefore, it should be in a company's best interest to have me dress that way, right? My best work = more money for you. This isn't a hard equation. Instead, this is what I'll probably wear when I get to a cubicle:

-Pants: I already wear black pants with a black belt. I've gotten used to them, but they aren't overly comfy.
-Shoes: Black shoes. NOT designed for comfort or fast movement, ARE they? Thus, impractical compared to my tennis shoes. (I already wear these, too.)
-Shirt: Something with a collar. Pricier than a T-shirt, and I'm not wearing it around the house if it gets messed up. Not comfy enough. (Later this will be button-down, for now it's just collared.)
-Jacket: Only on certain occasions, hopefully.
-THE TIE. I don't wear one now, but enough said.

Women can figure on similar restrictions, but not that tie. Still, does this system sound like something guys would have wanted? Maybe a few guys dressed this way on their own when this started, but they were probably people with bad fashion sense (for the time!) who just so happened to have power. No, it had to be women who started us on this path. Every lady loves a sharp dressed man, right? But what in the world is it that defined this as we went into it? Most of the stuff I wear at Staples isn't counted as being dressed up. What am I missing?

The tie. The little thing that takes the longest to get on, that constricts blood flow to your brain and makes it harder to think... really, what in the world was the PURPOSE of this? I've thought long and hard on this and realized: women's business dress is getting closer to men's in many aspects.... pants instead of skirts, for instance. However, their tops STILL are not designed to accomodate the tie, and none of them wear it. They all say that guys look so good in ties... but if ties are so great, why can't any woman outside of a punk rock show be found wearing one? I'll tell you why:

TIES ARE A PART OF THE WOMAN CONSPIRACY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

Stop facepalming, stop giving the monitors quizzical looks, and guys, stop laughing. (Girls can keep on laughing, given that if they aren't in on this now, they will be soon.) Women don't wear ties, men do. Get in a fight with someone? Grab them by the tie and you can hold them in place. Ties form handy leashes, or at least handles, and so on. I can think of a thousand uses for abusing someone wearing a tie, but the one that stands out is that IT'S A PRE-TIED NOOSE. Just grab the tie that's already around someone's neck and tie it to the ceiling fan and you'll asphyxiate them!

Now, notice that all of the important men in the world, CEOS, politicians, RIGHT DOWN TO THE PRESIDENT, are wearing ties. And think- who are most CEOs secretaries? Some chick who the CEO found to be hot! (For a politician, it's an intern. Ask Bill Clinton about that one.) All of our important men have agents of the enemy standing right there, waiting to throw the killswitch known as the tie. The only place they haven't succeeded at in some fashion is the Middle East, and you'd better believe the women there have incentive to get a foothold in this action. I figure once the Middle Easterners succumb to dumb fashion sense, it's all over- the women will string up all the men you once thought mattered and take over. I can only hope they'll do such a good job that I won't need to actually work because they'll be more efficient and solve all our problems. Maybe if world leaders weren't wearing ties, they could solve things, since blood would be flowing to their brains.

My girlfriend thinks I "look good" in a tie, by the way. This is the stuff that keeps me up at night.