I disagree with everything you say! Tell me more.

After over a month of projects, deadlines, work, and a funeral, Samcasm returns. It returns to riff on the people who shop at a certain .

You see, the customers at this place go because they need the expertise of people who know what they're talking about. This is good for them when I'm working, not so much when the guy is in who thinks a virus can physically affect the computer before it's been loaded into memory. But anyway, some of these people apparently want my opinion just so they can disagree with it. Others should get a clue and just not touch technology anymore. By reading the rest of this post, you agree to become Amish and never attempt to communicate with me at any point in the future if at ANY point you sympathize with the idiots written about in this post instead of me. OK? Let's go.

First, let's talk about the old guy who wanted to buy some antivirus software a few weeks ago. This guy wants you to believe he's experienced with tech stuff- pulls anecdotes out and makes it sound like he knows what he's doing. OK, fine, I can appreciate a guy with technical expertise... but not if the beginning of that expertise involved punch card machines that gave their outprints using ancient printers instead of monitors!

So here's this guy asking me what a good antivirus is, and of course I recommend Norton like they say we should. Peter Norton hasn't been involved with this program for a decade and a half but STILL Symantec calls it- well, anyway, this guy rejects my suggestion out of hand because the version he used five years ago was crap (and so it was) and messed with his computer. Yes, but they fixed that- "BLARRGH! NO NORTON, WHAT ELSE IS GOOD?"

OK, idiot, if you don't like my first opinion, let's try McAfee- "BLARRGH! NO NORTON, WHAT ELSE IS GOOD?" At this point you realize that you have run into the customer from hell. This guy is asking for your opinion but has been around in computing long enough to have opinions, even those he's too stupid to have based them off anything factual- more than likely the antivirus wasn't what messed him up, it was the fact that he never once updated the program and viruses got through anyway!

So here we are stuck with a guy who only knows what he doesn't want and is only asking a salesman for his opinion so that he can disagree with it (we aren't in the habit of recommending our unknown products we've never used ourselves, obviously). So I try one last stab... AVG, whose free version I use. Surely this guy hasn't tried three antivirus products- "AVG IS NO GOOD EITHER!"

So of course at this point I did the only reasonable thing to do- I explained that the remaining products that he hadn't used were governmental spy tools: Kaspersky spies on you for the Russians, Trend Micro spies on you for the Chinese, and of course Panda spies on you for the environmentalist vegan liberal Democrat hippies. (You thought I was going to say Chinese again!) I then told him we didn't want his business and used the store phone to call a "friend" in animal control.

But I digress. That's another story entirely. There was also a guy who called in wanting to know what DVDs we had on sale. "Nothing, sucker, it's the week after Christmas and those of you dumb enough to not buy them with the things that needed them are getting price gouged because we know you need them for your toys!" I said. (Management says I'm not allowed to do that anymore, but the jury's still out on laughing like a maniac when I give bad news.)

5 minutes later the phone rings again. It's a slow night, so I figure I can ignore my "leave them on hold for 10 minutes at minimum" policy twice in a row- and wouldn't you know it, it's the same guy again, probably thinking the "previous" salesman had lied to him!

No longer allowed to tell the customers' our evil plans, I got out my air horn...

Villainy is ruined forever

Man, I remember some awesome villains back in my day. Megatron was a giant transforming robot who was willing to pretty much waste an entire planet if it could give him power. Jafar (from Aladdin, in case you had a miserable childhood that wasnt worth living) was a guy who had some wicked facial hair, a magical hypnosis cane, and was willing to pretty much tear apart an entire palace and make the entire environment turn red (which is a something of a hint for EVIL IS GOING DOWN, MAN). I have no idea what Skeletor did, but the guy's very name and appearance screams evil, and I'm pretty sure he was the villain of whatever thing it was he appeared in?

What's my point? My point is that these guys were VILLAINS! They were evil, they lived and breathed evil, and you knew it. There was no ambiguity in their evilness, they didn't believe they were doing something nice, and you could feel good about fighting them. As opposed to like you were kicking a puppy or something that just so happened to not know it shouldn't pee on the carpet and launch a bomb that would destroy a city in some effort to save humanity from... what was I talking about?

Now, though, there's just no FUN to these villains. They're all a bunch of wusses. Some of them will actually cry if you beat them, and some of them certainly don't know how to do PROPER evil! Let's describe something for you. We have a villain who is going around, stealing people's souls and using ancient artifacts as part of some scheme to unleash ancient unspeakable evil upon the earth, granting himself insane amounts of power. THAT right there is a hardcore INTENSE villain who you couldn't POSSIBLY ruin by-


Oh, I guess you COULD ruin a villain like that. See, back in the 80s this villain would have LOOKED like Skeletor, or Megatron (maybe they would have stolen engines instead of souls, I don't know), or SOMETHING evil. This guy? This guy looks like he's about to go to a rather interesting sort of club and experience all sorts of cosmic horrors (but none of them related to souls). He's a wuss! Baby-faced pretty boy wearing, of all things, eyeliner (or is that mascara?), and pink. Not a pink polo, or something- that just makes him a fratboy background extra- but a pink... is that some sort of hoody/blouse combination?

I'd like to repeat once again that this isn't the fruity sidekick, because that's becoming the norm. This isn't the hero in some Japanese perversion. THIS IS THE VILLAIN. You are supposed to cower in fear of this guy as he steals your soul by- wait, defeating you in a card game? Really? So all I have to do is not carry around a deck of cards, or at least not pull it out, and I'm safe? Really? How am I supposed to actually take this show seriously? One good punch to pretty-boy here and he'll be gone, you can take back his souls... oh, whatever.

I could go on all day. But instead I'll talk about a villain from my childhood who used to be awesome: Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik. See, the Robotnik you know from the games was going around, taking animals and stuffing them into robots, and trying to collect the magical gemstones that would give him all sorts of power. Sounds only somewhat threatening until you consider that in the second game he built a giant Death Star equivalent. And he was going to use these gemstones to superpower this thing and... I don't know, unleash ultimate doom or something? The games don't really say, and to be honest it was kind of a dumb idea because if you blew the planet up or damaged it you'd have to land eventually to eat- unless he had internal farms- BUT DUMB IDEAS ARE A HALLMARK OF GOOD VILLAINY! Somehow.


And then there was the cartoon (SatAM, not AoSTH, for those who saw either/or), where he looked more evil, had already taken over the world and was just converting EVERYONE into his evil army. AWESOME! Dr. Robotnik you are one AWESOME villain, especially for a kid-friendly franchise, and you are hereby inducted into the Samcasm Hall of-


Huh? Who are you? Are you actually the same guy? *scrolls up* Yeah, I did call you Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik, so you must be. Well, still, you're just a modernized, updated LOOK to an old villain, right? OK, let's go watch your show for some memorable quotes and-

OK, so THIS Robotnik just said something about "But when you actually HURT someone that's going too far!" which is just sad. I mean, really, Robot- I mean, "Eggman"? Really? You built a giant death station, you fought a guy from within space, you built machines that threw around FIRE or destroyed landscapes in order to try and kill one hedgehog, and finally, you detonated an entire island that would presumably have had military personnel on it! I mean, really, how can you even change your stance like this?! It's too late for you to-

Wait.

Wait.

Maybe Eggman still IS a good villain.

HURTING someone is going too far. That is crossing the line, if you will. Now hurting someone could go only as far as say, a minor bruise. Killing someone would be going a lot farther. Much, much farther. And if you go TOO far you will actually travel across the ENTIRE EARTH, traveling farther and farther away from the original line, until you could very well CROSS THE LINE TWICE. Logically if you have crossed the line twice you are on the right side of the line again. (Alternatively maybe you just wind up on the original side of the line or something.) So maybe, JUST MAYBE, hurting someone is going too far because it's evil- BUT NOT EVIL ENOUGH!

So there you have it folks. We can't create NEW good villains. If you want a villain, go look back to at least the 90s and update him a little, throw in a few lines that may confuse the parents, and come out with something awesome. At least I think that's how it works. Just don't do something like taking the original Gaius Baltar and making him some conflicted accidental traitor instead of a genocidal maniac...

Mailbag Thursday II

As if I didn't have enough to mock in life, people keep emailing me this stuff. Whatever. This first one is from KylerMartyn, once again:

I am emailing this to you solely so that you will have *some*thing for "Mailbag Thursday" and not be too disappointed.


...Um, so, hi.

My birthday is in 27 days!!!! Yay! I'll be 15!!

...wait, maybe I should say something stupid so that you have something to make fun of and then your blog readers won't be too disappointed. Umm, hmm, what's something stupid to say? I'm sure you'll come up with something to make fun of in this whole email anyway. You have a way of making things stupid that weren't stupid. So I guess I'll just quit talking then. :P

Happy Thursday, blog readers!

~Kyler


Well, thank God for you, Kyler. You know, I actually WAS going to be disappointed. I mean, every time I check my mailbox, I get emails from Sears, JCPenney, Linksys, and a whole bunch of other stuff that I didn't sign up for. So imagine how thankful I was to get your insightful, INTERESTING message, that had so much to say! And with such purpose behind it as well!

Blah blah blah... birthday... you know, I was just about to make a comment on how these other people were trying (indirectly) to get me to buy something. Then I didn't, and now I wish I had. So tell me Kyler, what do you want for your birthday? Hmm? Well, that's too bad, because I'm not buying you anything! HA! You'll get a wall post on Facebook, IF you're lucky. More likely I'll just sit on the internet in class all day and "forget" to do that much. Why bother?

Oh, and I really like this sentence: ...wait, maybe I should say something stupid so that you have something to make fun of and then your blog readers won't be too disappointed. Oh, we're all disappointed, but not because of a lack of stupidity, Kyler. You claim I have a way of making things stupid when they weren't stupid, and I just say that you're too dumb to notice how stupid it was in the first place.

Man, thank God I only have one crazy person emailing me per week. Because as if the general dumbness of life wasn't bad enough, one of you feels the need to actually direct their stupidity at me. Now, I'm going to go to my nice clean email box and...

OK, who told who that I needed a second message for the week? Ugh. This one comes at you from BeyondTheFail. Argh.

Okay, Sam, time for some commentary, this one from MY point of view.

I started the planning for the Fall Festival thinking "Okay, I'll only be dealing with older kids that have some sense of rhythm when running a rhythm game". So, I got the nice dance mats from my friend, thinking I'd deal with competent people during it.

Wrong. And I am NOT mommy.

Let me explain. About 80% of the people who played were under the age of 10. The only people who weren't under the age of 10 were a teenager who was attempting to get the game herself, so she wanted to play it and see how she liked it, and the woman who helped out the most with the children's church. 1 of these kids decided to start hitting his sister (so it appeared), so I told him that, if he kept it up, he wouldn't get to play the game. He hits his sister again. I tell him he doesn't get a turn. He pouts. I don't budge. I have to stay firm, otherwise the kids would do whatever they want!

This is why I don't want kids. I barely had the patience to deal with little kids who happen to enter the room I was in, let alone having kids of my own. I especially have issue when they're trying to get under your skin and they're RELATED to you. My brother..."They're staring at each other!" My thoughts: "So? Is there a problem with this?"

*sigh* I don't like kids. I don't want them. I'd rather be the crazy aunt who spoils a sibling's kids and then sends them home.

Yeah, well, you certainly have crazy down. Is that your point of view, by the way? Crazy? I can only assume that's your point of view, because everyone who will talk to me has apparently LOST THEIR MIND. I mean, come on. You expected to be working with older kids... on a children's outreach activity? Really? Older kids are out pretending they're old enough to go on dates, or older still, actually DOING things on a Saturday! They certainly aren't coming with their parents to random church events! And from this we see that yes, you ARE crazy. You attempted to get a bunch of brats who could barely even tie their shoes to play a game that, by definition, requires RHYTHM. Ya senseless dork. At least you figured out that you aren't mommy, that one must have been difficult because most people can't remember whether they've given birth or not at some point. (I know I haven't!)

So you stopped the kids from hitting each other. That's good, but really, I don't think you took it far enough. Perhaps you should have gone out and perpetrated some violence yourself, you know? Take the brat who's doing violence and drop kick him, teach him a lesson, because if you don't beat up small children, they won't cower before you as is proper. (Oh, and for any paranoid types, or employers, or that federal agent we have out there in the stands: the name of this blog is Samcasm. If you seriously think, based off of that, that I am advocating violence, against children or otherwise, you should probably hit alt+F4, which will bring up my advanced refutation of your silliness. You might think alt+F4 closes the window, but because of blogger's advanced dynamic AJAX coding, it has some different functionality here. Give it a try!)

At least you got it right that your brother is insane. But I mean, come on, wanting to be the crazy aunt? You sound like you're on the fast track for some guy who'll just be dying to help you fulfill the "I have lost my grip on life" dynamic, and I do not want to see that guy, because it's looking to be some nerd who sits around eating chex mix and writing angry things on the internet. You know, the type of hopeless joker who doesn't think anything but blue jeans and t-shirts are necessary and actually sits around playing board games on Friday night, like some space nerd version of Risk or something- and willingly opts to do this instead of going out with a girl. Man, what kind of dork does stuff like that?

Certainly not me, that's for sure. So, email me at maxgene@gmail.com and you'll get shredded to pieces next week too, while making me slowly hate humanity even more.

Small kids should all go away

Last Saturday I woke up feeling fantastic. I had the day off work, and I'd be spending the entire day with my girlfriend. Awesome! There was just one small catch: I had to work with small children for two hours. I hate kids, but this would be OK because I was running video games. Piece of cake, right? I'm an expert on this stuff, spent most of my life playing them and researching them, how bad could running and even playing them be for that small piece of time?

Kids.

Ruin.

EVERYTHING!

You want to know why there hasn't been any Samcasm for the better part of a WEEK? Because I simply didn't have the energy! After I got done with that experience, I proceeded to take a nap, or at least try to. Arrgh. That got messed up too, on multiple occasions. You know what started this? One of the ADULTS started this. I was supposed to be running a simple game of Mario Kart. Easy to understand, even if you're horrible at Mario Kart it's at least fun to watch whatever sap picked Wario die when a full-blown car runs over him. And I specifically mean Wario. Because what did I end out running instead of Mario Kart? Warioware.

Not exactly a role model for children, IS he? Well, at this point, actually...

For those of you who've never played WarioWare, you'll probably consider yourself fortunate. It's fun, but not to teach newcomers constantly for 2 hours! Essentially, it's composed of a bunch of games that are all over within 5 seconds- so within that space of time, you have to figure out the rules of what to do, and DO it, before the game fails you. Hey, I can deal with that. You'll fail a number of times even if you're good at games. But you have fun!

UNLESS YOU'RE PLAYING IT WITH KIDS. Kids get frustrated at even the simplest play mechanics when they have a full minute to grasp them, and that's if they're playing ONE game. Try giving them a new game every 10 seconds, and no matter how simple, they'll get frustrated and quit. Or sit there and complain.

So after about two hours of trying to explain to the kids that this game isn't meant to be explained, and them getting frustrated when you can't explain everything within half a second, and then watching them drop the controllers....

Oh, my precious controllers. You are the connection to the system that brought me so much joy. All those years of staying home on Friday nights while even my best friend left me for his girl... actually, during that time period he was just leaving AIM to play Empire Earth, so I guess I wasn't any better... and... so many good games... and those little brats kept DROPPING YOU! GAHHH! IS THERE ANY RESPECT ANYMORE FOR THE FANTASTIC LITTLE PIECES OF HARDWARE THAT RUN OUR LIVES? DOES ANYONE EVEN REALIZE WHAT THESE CONTROLLERS DO FOR US? FOR CONTROLLERS HAVE GIVEN US A WAY TO PLAY MARIO KART, AND STAR FOX, AND EVEN WING COMMANDER, ALTHOUGH THAT'S MORE OF A JOYSTICK THING! I LOVE YOU, CONTROLLERS! AND I'M SORRY I LET SMALL KIDS DROP YOU!

OK, where we? Oh yeah. So we finally get done after these kids as well as this game have formed the combination to hell and sapped me of all my powers. We all go back to her house and pass out. Or try to. Then her brother comes out and starts swinging around a lightsaber and stuff, trying to get me to fight him. GAH! Look. You are not a Jedi, and if you were I would have already cut off all your limbs, because if these were real lightsabers, I would have hit you in every area possible, so how are you still swinging a lightsaber? OK, whatever. So he's still hyper, maybe we shouldn't have given him the cookie. Everyone gets up, and it's time for a hayride at... some place with hay.

"They're staring at each other!" Yes... yes we are, kid... and perhaps you should be glad, because- "they're just looking into each other's eyes!" the ONLY THING keeping me from snapping is the fact that she's around. So the last thing I need is some John Madden wannabe giving me the play-by-play on my life. Because you know, I think the only two people who care if I'm looking at your sister are- "They're just looking at each other!"

DANG IT ALL KID! I JUST GOT DONE DEALING WITH NONSENSICAL STATEMENTS FOR TWO HOURS, CAN WE STOP SAYING THINGS THAT ARE OBVIOUS!

"He seems annoyed, I wonder why?"

That last quote was something I made up. But it's close enough. Sigh. So on the way home from this hayride, he falls asleep on my shoulder. I lean over a little for some reason, he does too, now I can't go into an upright position because he's leaning on me, so I just stay there and get this crick in my back because I can't move and I'm in an unnatural position...

I'm just too lazy to care anymore at this point, because anyone under the age of 10 obviously has it in for me today. So I give up and reach for my cell phone to just dial the chiropractor...

Mailbag Thursday

Thursdays I'm generally not feeling angry enough to be overtly Samcastic. At least, I can't stay angry at one topic too long. Except for at my mail. My readers aren't quite as dumb as the general public, but only by a small margin. Today I only have one letter here, probably because the rest of you misspelled my email as something dumb like maxine@gmail.com, you silly twits.

So today's mail comes from KylerMartyn, and only because she owed said email to a guy known as the Oracle. Without further ado:


Regarding Samcasm...hmm...what am I supposed to say regarding it?

1) It's a website.
2) It's partially named after you, both the URL and the title of the blog.
3) It's funny. Sometimes. Sometimes it just sounds angry. :P
4) It makes me laugh, which then causes one or more of my family members to wander over and ask me what I'm laughing at. How come they're never around except for when it's inconvenient or annoying? :P

Why yes, Kyler, very, VERY observant. This IS a website! Actually, it's a smaller division of a larger website, if you want to get technical. That would be strike one, guess what I do if we hit three?

Named after me? Yes... yes it is... very brilliant. I think you might have a point here because the blog's title is Samcasm, and as for the URL... wait... the URL is "duchytaco.blogspot.com" currently. Let me get out my ID here... Sam Shrum. Sam... Shrum... nothing matches with duchy, or taco, or blog, or spot. My address does have an o in it, so that's something for the .com end of things, but regardless, you fail. Strike two!

Funny sometimes? Funny SOMEtimes? Maybe you just don't get it the rest of the time, anger is practically the same as funny, although sometimes it's somebody else's anger and it doesn't become funny until I mock it. That's strike three, but we'll keep going...

As for you laughing, very good, and those family members? They're ALWAYS around when NOBODY wants them around. Personally I recommend hijacking the city's tornado alarm and getting everyone to run to the basement. Then when they're in there, push a couch in front of the door that leads down there! Nyahahahahahaha! I have peace and quiet every day I want it!

So, my first fan mail, and you got three strikes against you. As for what we're going to do for punishment, we're going to have some self-inflicted justice that runs on the honor system. Spin around in a circle 100 times, then run in a straight line towards the road. Hurry now, and don't bother looking for cars!

Email me at maxgene@gmail.com and I'll mock your idiocy mercilessly, too.

Review: ASCII Sector

I always figured the only reason I'd ever come on here would be to complain, but I figure if I can review something that's awesome in a Samcastic way, that can count too, right? Anyway, I've found what's quite possibly one of the best games to kill a few minutes with... or an hour or two: Privateer: ASCII Sector.

ASCII Sector is awesome for lots of reasons. One, it's a remake of a game from one of my ffavorite game series ever, Wing Commander. In Wing Commander, and in the original Privateer, you'd go around in a space ship and shoot things, usually these cat alien guys. ALIENS THAT ARE CATS. I think we can all agree that having a furry biped that walks around SHREDDING PEOPLE TO PIECES with their claws is just AWESOME, and ASCII Sector has that too (although they usually prefer to just shoot you).

Second, you can do pretty much whatever you want. My first time around, I ran some odd jobs for people in my piece of crap freighter, delivering messages like "Your baby is red" for low amounts of money. Then eventually I got a fighter and started shooting people to death! That got a little boring, but mainly because it just wasn't mean enough. So I started another save file and practiced firing with a rifle. I landed on a space station and shot everyone, one by one, taking all their money and lifting off again. What was my punishment? About 30 days of not being allowed to come back, and a criminal record with about 10 murders or so. (And I still wasn't a wanted man, except on that base.)

So then I landed on a planet, and tried killing everyone there, but five police officers and some angry civilians shot me dead. So I got bored, reloaded and tried injecting some random stuff into myself- stuff I'd found on one of the bodies from the last base. Suddenly I was moving TWICE AS FAST AS ANYONE ELSE! So I holed myself up in a building and started shooting people again. A police officer with a kevlar vest and a helmet came to try and shoot me and I shot him in the arm twice, making him drop his pistol. I did this to a bunch more people and before I knew it every last single person on this planet is dead, and I can take ALL of their stuff. So I stole all of their money and weapons and put it on my ship, and ASCII Sector let me do it for being so awesome.

On that day I discovered something- doing drugs really does give you a benefit, and crime not only pays, it pays extremely well. For my several dozen counts of murder, my only punishment was a huge load of fines and being banned for 255 days from that planet. So in a year, I could come back and repeat the whole process! Man, am I awesome or what? Of course I'm awesome, and so too is ASCII Sector for letting me do this.

Oh, you know what else makes this game so awesome? The graphics! Check them out:

http://www.asciisector.net/screenshots/

Those of you who went to the link are now saying things like "But we've had better graphics since the 80s!" No, idiot, modern graphics are what's WRONG with gaming, not what's great about it. When I play ASCII Sector, I have no choice but to use my imagination to fill in the blanks. ASCII Sector's graphics and what happens within are as awesome as your imagination. Sure, in Halo you can see some blood, you can witness the body go flying, but in ASCII Sector I'm doing backflips while shooting people between the eyes with my rifle, and then break dancing before I pop off a shot into your leg, as far as you can tell. And since I'm awesome, you know that's exactly what I'm doing. Depending on your intrepretation, making a guy's arm useless could mean it's too injured to hold a weapon, or you can picture someone losing their entire arm due to three simple shots with a rifle. I don't think I need to tell you what's going on when I play this game.

Bottom line, if you play games at all, you have no excuse not to try this game, because it's free, and it's awesome. Download it, you lazy bum.

http://www.asciisector.net/download/

Business Dress is a conspiracy

Have you ever wondered what the deal was with how you have to dress for business? Seems pretty ridiculous to me. I'm perfectly comfortable in blue jeans, a t-shirt, and tennis shoes. I think most of you are too. I do my best work when I'm comfortable. Therefore, it should be in a company's best interest to have me dress that way, right? My best work = more money for you. This isn't a hard equation. Instead, this is what I'll probably wear when I get to a cubicle:

-Pants: I already wear black pants with a black belt. I've gotten used to them, but they aren't overly comfy.
-Shoes: Black shoes. NOT designed for comfort or fast movement, ARE they? Thus, impractical compared to my tennis shoes. (I already wear these, too.)
-Shirt: Something with a collar. Pricier than a T-shirt, and I'm not wearing it around the house if it gets messed up. Not comfy enough. (Later this will be button-down, for now it's just collared.)
-Jacket: Only on certain occasions, hopefully.
-THE TIE. I don't wear one now, but enough said.

Women can figure on similar restrictions, but not that tie. Still, does this system sound like something guys would have wanted? Maybe a few guys dressed this way on their own when this started, but they were probably people with bad fashion sense (for the time!) who just so happened to have power. No, it had to be women who started us on this path. Every lady loves a sharp dressed man, right? But what in the world is it that defined this as we went into it? Most of the stuff I wear at Staples isn't counted as being dressed up. What am I missing?

The tie. The little thing that takes the longest to get on, that constricts blood flow to your brain and makes it harder to think... really, what in the world was the PURPOSE of this? I've thought long and hard on this and realized: women's business dress is getting closer to men's in many aspects.... pants instead of skirts, for instance. However, their tops STILL are not designed to accomodate the tie, and none of them wear it. They all say that guys look so good in ties... but if ties are so great, why can't any woman outside of a punk rock show be found wearing one? I'll tell you why:

TIES ARE A PART OF THE WOMAN CONSPIRACY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

Stop facepalming, stop giving the monitors quizzical looks, and guys, stop laughing. (Girls can keep on laughing, given that if they aren't in on this now, they will be soon.) Women don't wear ties, men do. Get in a fight with someone? Grab them by the tie and you can hold them in place. Ties form handy leashes, or at least handles, and so on. I can think of a thousand uses for abusing someone wearing a tie, but the one that stands out is that IT'S A PRE-TIED NOOSE. Just grab the tie that's already around someone's neck and tie it to the ceiling fan and you'll asphyxiate them!

Now, notice that all of the important men in the world, CEOS, politicians, RIGHT DOWN TO THE PRESIDENT, are wearing ties. And think- who are most CEOs secretaries? Some chick who the CEO found to be hot! (For a politician, it's an intern. Ask Bill Clinton about that one.) All of our important men have agents of the enemy standing right there, waiting to throw the killswitch known as the tie. The only place they haven't succeeded at in some fashion is the Middle East, and you'd better believe the women there have incentive to get a foothold in this action. I figure once the Middle Easterners succumb to dumb fashion sense, it's all over- the women will string up all the men you once thought mattered and take over. I can only hope they'll do such a good job that I won't need to actually work because they'll be more efficient and solve all our problems. Maybe if world leaders weren't wearing ties, they could solve things, since blood would be flowing to their brains.

My girlfriend thinks I "look good" in a tie, by the way. This is the stuff that keeps me up at night.